Update part 2: Recovery (for good?)
First of all I wanted to answer a question that Christy asked in the comments of update part 1.
“Did you sign a contract?”
Good question, yes I did. Contracts these days are not like they used to be. When you sign/swear in, it is official but it isn’t official. Totally makes sense so far right? 😉 Basically you are in but you have the option to back out/choose another path before your ship date. Once your arrive at boot camp things are a lot harder to turn around. All I had to do was tell my recruited that I was having major second thoughts and that I didn’t think it would be good for my health. Not on my record, unless I were to try and get back in down the road. End of story. Get it, got it, good?
Yeah bad for my health, let’s get to that after all this post is about recovery. So I relapsed. I’m not going to lie to you guys and say I have been smooth sailing, because that would definitely be a lie. I took a month (September) off from training, but I wasn’t eating. The real reason I took it off was because I knew that if my body wasn’t receiving the nutrition it needed and I was training that would create an even bigger problem, so I just didn’t train.
What was going through my head pre-relapse, I’m not fully sure. I know I was tired of training because I felt obligated to with the death race coming. I felt like if I even took a day off I wouldn’t be ready. I was in the gym 2-3x 6 days a week, hello over-doing it. Oh and eating under 2000 calories, perfect combo? No? It’s such a mental game.
I’m not going to say what weight I dropped back down to but I will say it wasn’t healthy. I’m working on getting it back up and am back to training (every other day) for now. I’m keeping a close on on myself but I feel good to be back.
Recovery for good? This may seem like an odd realization but it’s honestly what made me come to conclusion I can’t keep hurting myself, and so far I’m more motivated that ever so I’m going with it…. here’s the story (compacted for your sanity) :
I was asked by someone who I had just met what my interests were, trying to not sound like a total crazy person I explain to her my training and the goal of finishing the 2012 death race. I explained how I train for passion, accomplishment, challenge and proof that I am alive. I love to train, it is fun for me. Saying that was what it took. It made me realize that by falling back into my eating disorder behaviors all I was doing was taking away what I truly love. What positive things could come out of me falling even further that I had already allowed myself? NOTHING.
I’ve never stood up for myself before, this time I made the decision on my own. Every other time the words “I want to get better” came out of my mouth it wasn’t for me. It was for my parents, my friends, my trainer, my therapist, my doctor, but never me. This time I’m doing this for one person and one person only, Sarah.
Waldo Sarah? Just decline benching, nbd.
I’m back in the gym, taking it easy for the next few weeks before I start cranking things up. I’m eating a steady diet, with solid amounts of protein/carb/fat. I’m seeing my therapist. I tried a nutritionist out, not for me. I tried group out, not for me. I’m meeting with my doctor to give an FYI.
It feels right and I’m so happy and motivated. Oh, and I’m gonna kill in June at the death race because for the first time in my life, I trust myself.
Questions? Comments? Hit me up.