to be completely honest
Waddup buttercups? I hope your all doing wonderful 🙂
I’m lost. I don’t know where I am headed with me life which is pretty normal seeing I just graduated! I am just used to having control and I feel as if I have completely lost that.
I want to stop training. Just stop, not quit. Quitting would be because it’s hard and I can’t do it but I can, I want to stop because I’m afraid that my training is what is allowing my eating disorder to stick around. It’s now to the point where I NEED to get to the gym at least 2x/day. The more I go to the gym the more I eat and vice versa, it’s not out of fear of becoming fat or anything like that though, I’ve just lost that desire and passion. It’s not really fun anymore. It scares me to think about stopping training though because that makes me afraid of gaining weight. It’s not the number though, it’s that I am comfortable with my body right now and I don’t want its shape to change and I don’t want to lose any muscle.
I just fired my trainer who got me through more than I can imagine. She taught me how to look past flaws and focus on everything positive. She taught me how to believe in myself when nobody else does and that no matter what I need to follow my heart. That life is challenging but to keep on pushing. I wouldn’t be where I am today without her support and as much as it sucks to lose that it needed to be done. I felt like I stopped progressing with her as a trainer, that her focus grew more to how good I was doing and she often made comments about how to track food and it made me more concerned with my nutrition. She cancelled a lot and it finally got to the point where I needed to make a permanent decision to end it, I need consistency and I’m not going to pay for something that is going downhill.
I feel extremely numb. I don’t like it or not like it. It’s weird, not like anything I’ve ever experienced before. In the past with my eating disorder I was afraid of food but never to the point where I thought I was really going to damage my body. This time it’s different. I just don’t want to eat, not because I’m afraid but because I feel like I don’t need it, like I don’t deserve it which is insane because I work out like a maniac. I don’t understand any of this, what has changed? I’m scared shitless this time, mainly because I don’t see myself stopping this cycle. I’m tired of fighting. I don’t want to give up but when I let these behaviors come out I feel good, at ease where as when I’m constantly training/focused to nutrition I am very tense and always worried about never making any mistakes and being the best I can be. It is too much pressure. It scares me though because the person I am with my eating disorder is a polar opposite or who I actually am and I feel like I get along with people better when I am involved with my eating disorder. It’s so weird.
With training I am very focused and determined to be the best which is good but also bad because I have an addictive personality so I can easily go too far. I stick to my diet very well and I don’t allow myself to do anything or eat anything “unplanned” it’s extremely manipulative. I enjoyed this for the longest time because it gave me something to stick to which was also fairly healthy because even though I didn’t allow “unplanned” stuff I did plan in things to keep me sane. I’m not sure why this isn’t enjoyable anymore, I’m growing away from it and it scares me because it was the only thing keeping me in check.
This is really long but I wanted to get this out because this blog is about my recovery process and I don’t want to lie about how I am doing.