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July 19, 2011 / Sarah

to be completely honest

Waddup buttercups? I hope your all doing wonderful 🙂

I’m lost. I don’t know where I am headed with me life which is pretty normal seeing I just graduated! I am just used to having control and I feel as if I have completely lost that.

I want to stop training. Just stop, not quit. Quitting would be because it’s hard and I can’t do it but I can, I want to stop because I’m afraid that my training is what is allowing my eating disorder to stick around. It’s now to the point where I NEED to get to the gym at least 2x/day. The more I go to the gym the more I eat and vice versa, it’s not out of fear of becoming fat or anything like that though, I’ve just lost that desire and passion. It’s not really fun anymore. It scares me to think about stopping training though because that makes me afraid of gaining weight. It’s not the number though, it’s that I am comfortable with my body right now and I don’t want its shape to change and I don’t want to lose any muscle.

I just fired my trainer who got me through more than I can imagine. She taught me how to look past flaws and focus on everything positive. She taught me how to believe in myself when nobody else does and that no matter what I need to follow my heart. That life is challenging but to keep on pushing. I wouldn’t be where I am today without her support and as much as it sucks to lose that it needed to be done. I felt like I stopped progressing with her as a trainer, that her focus grew more to how good I was doing and she often made comments about how to track food and it made me more concerned with my nutrition. She cancelled a lot and it finally got to the point where I needed to make a permanent decision to end it, I need consistency and I’m not going to pay for something that is going downhill.

I feel extremely numb. I don’t like it or not like it. It’s weird, not like anything I’ve ever experienced before. In the past with my eating disorder I was afraid of food but never to the point where I thought I was really going to damage my body. This time it’s different. I just don’t want to eat, not because I’m afraid but because I feel like I don’t need it, like I don’t deserve it which is insane because I work out like a maniac. I don’t understand any of this, what has changed? I’m scared shitless this time, mainly because I don’t see myself stopping this cycle. I’m tired of fighting. I don’t want to give up but when I let these behaviors come out I feel good, at ease where as when I’m constantly training/focused to nutrition I am very tense and always worried about never making any mistakes and being the best I can be. It is too much pressure. It scares me though because the person I am with my eating disorder is a polar opposite or who I actually am and I feel like I get along with people better when I am involved with my eating disorder. It’s so weird.

With training I am very focused and determined to be the best which is good but also bad because I have an addictive personality so I can easily go too far. I stick to my diet very well and I don’t allow myself to do anything or eat anything “unplanned” it’s extremely manipulative. I enjoyed this for the longest time because it gave me something to stick to which was also fairly healthy because even though I didn’t allow “unplanned” stuff I did plan in things to keep me sane. I’m not sure why this isn’t enjoyable anymore, I’m growing away from it and it scares me because it was the only thing keeping me in check.

This is really long but I wanted to get this out because this blog is about my recovery process and I don’t want to lie about how I am doing.

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14 Comments

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  1. Katie / Jul 19 2011 11:42 am

    Hey Sarah,

    I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. When I was into weight training a lot, and wanted to do a bb show, I got to the point where you are at. I decided to stop. Completely. And I just focused on doing something where I wouldn’t have to compare myself to others. I chose running. Yes, you can compare yourself to others with running, but it’s not like I was going to get up on a stage, like I would in a body comp., and get my body picked apart by a judge. I run for me now and I try to beat my personal records. And, if I don’t, I don’t. It’s a long process, and I know it will take time to get better at running, but right now it feels really good for me.

    I guess it feels more intuitive than weight lifting did. I still do strength training, but only when I feel like it. I do mostly Body Pump now because I find it fun to be around others and the music is great. I also take other classes WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT. With weight training I felt like I ALWAYS had to be on a plan. And, the dieting really took over. Had to get this much protein, this much carbs, this much fat…etc. It took over my mind and life. Now, I am trying to be more intuitve, and I’ve found that my body likes carbs and does WELL with them. I think the best advice is to listen to your body. You have no one to beat, and no one to be better than. You are Sarah, and you are fine the way you are. Life is much too short to worry about balancing your protein and carbs and making sure you go to the gym 2x a day.

    Now, I am not saying to drop the weight training. What I am saying is listen to yourself….really listen. You will do what is best for you if you listen to Sarah.

    I also recommend finding a good therapist/nutritionist. I never wanted to reach out and get help. I thought I could do it on my own. But, my habits are coming back, and so I’ve contacted a therapist and I am going to start going to her when I go to school in 4 weeks. I am also going to see a nutritionist because no matter how much I know about health and nutrition, I can short-change myself because of my eating disorder. After all, I want to be a dietitian, and I want to practice what I preach with my clients/patients.

    If you want, you can email me anytime. I am not the fastest at getting back, but I will respond, I promise! 🙂

    Keep your head up!

    • Sarah / Jul 29 2011 5:00 pm

      Katie – I love you girl 🙂 I am so grateful to have connected with you through this blog and I’m so happy that you left this response! I agree with you, life is too short – it is so important to find balance but also just live. In the end all that is important is to be enjoying your life!

      I am working to get back with my old therapist because it will be a good sounding board for me. I hear you because I want to be a full time trainer and do sports nutrition so I’ve got to get this under control and stop bouncing back and forth from either really clean to eating practicallly nothing, it’s awful.

      Thank you for the support ♥

  2. Alexandra / Jul 19 2011 12:24 pm

    I think it’s phenomenal you’re so intuitive to your feelings, that’s a major accomplishment in itself if you ask me. I agree with almost every point Katie said above, I think you need to do something for you. Instead of focusing on the weight training, just have fun and maybe discover some new form of exercise you enjoy 🙂 You deserve to live a happy life and I know you’re strong enough to overcome this rough patch. Sending big hugs your way girl, I’m cheering you on in this struggle!! 🙂
    Stay strong! Love ya!

    • Sarah / Jul 29 2011 5:02 pm

      I agree with both of you guys as well, I’ve been adding more group exercise to my rountine instead of solo stuff and so far it is helping a bit to break out of this funk but it is definitly a lot of willpower. Thank you girl!
      xoxo

  3. Jess / Jul 19 2011 2:07 pm

    I agree with everything that has been said so far 😀 Exercise should never feel like a “chore” or something you “have to do.” Make it FUN again–try some new moves, routines, fitness classes, maybe even a new trainer? I love how intuitive you are being with yourself 🙂

    • Sarah / Jul 29 2011 5:03 pm

      AGREED! It should be fun and it was for me for so long which is why I hate that it hasn’t been as of late – stupid ed. I think this is ironic because I definitly am going to start with a new trainer to shake things up on Monday! SO EXCITED! Thanks girl 🙂

  4. allieksmith / Jul 19 2011 4:20 pm

    First of all… thank you for always being honest on your blog. I find it so hard sometimes to share struggles that I have and I love how open you are.

    I would say if your heart is still in it and still into training, I don’t think you have to either QUIT or go ALL out. I think you could slowly decrease time at the gym over a period of a few weeks but still have quality training, you know? I know you LOVE fitness (for all the RIGHT reasons) so you don’t HAVE to give it your all every time or completely quit… you could go easy sometimes, you know?!

    I felt the same way when I swam competitively .. It was so hard sometimes and I did want to quit and sometimes I adored it. I found that when I skipped a practice a week or just slacked during a practice I still performed really well.

    I hope that makes sense 🙂

    I’m praying for you!!!!

    • Sarah / Jul 29 2011 5:06 pm

      Of course – I will always be 100% honest on here because for me I feel like if I am not that I’m just lying to myself. I do agree though, it is tough sometimes.

      I’ve been doing more group exercise and it is definitly helping to creep my motivation and drive back on up there! Swapping it up was a wonderful idea!

      Thanks girl, xoxo!

  5. Christy / Jul 19 2011 8:22 pm

    Perhaps you just need a break. Sometimes we get in funks or bored with our current workouts.
    There are times when I want to not work out because I have that feeling like, “Oh, if I don’t work out for this amount of time, I can’t eat.” It’s silly. Or, I have times when I just don’t want to work out, but afterwards, I feel like a million bucks.

    • Sarah / Jul 29 2011 5:08 pm

      I get that feeling too, like a little voice in my head – absolutely hate it! It is silly, because even without exercise our bodies still burn calories like a crazy person! I feel like it’s just that we are so used to training and nutrition with that then when training is taken out or reduced from the equation we feel we have to do the same with food.

  6. Britannie / Jul 20 2011 5:07 pm

    Oh my goodness, I feel ya on almost all of that. Like the not wanting to eat because you just don’t feel like you deserve it or want it? And HAVING to train certain amounts of times per day. And wanting to stop training for awhile, and like that numbness. Girl, I’m right there with ya. Like not knowing where to go from here. I know I’ve been overtraining, I looked it up and it all sounds like me. It could be the reason you feel the way you do too.

    And I agree with Christy, about taking a break and everything. I actually read that with weight training you’re supposed to take a week off from training every 4-6 weeks at LEAST. Maybe that’s all ya need 🙂

    • Sarah / Jul 29 2011 5:10 pm

      Ya, I’ve been overtraining SO much lately but I feel like I have to! It’s awful and so bad for my body. I hear you, like it is something you’ve got to deserve in order to have.

      I have read that too, because it’s so much on your muscles/joints that they need a break or a change up! Crazy!!!!

      Thanks girly 🙂

  7. SquatLikeALady / Jul 23 2011 3:52 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re experiencing all this!! It can be SO hard to let go of disordered habits/thinking patterns, can’t it?

    I felt myself sort of sliding back into disordered habits early this year (around January) but luckily recognized it — and my husband recognized it too — and we put a kibosh to it just by saying, this is not healthy, this is not worth it, STOP. I’m blessed to be about 6 years out from completing my recovery and I think that made it easier.

    I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way but perhaps meeting with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders would help?

    • Sarah / Jul 29 2011 5:12 pm

      SO HARD! I mean I’m sure it will always be in the back of my head but this is ridiculous – 7 years of this shit!!!

      It isn’t healthy and it is so ridiculous to look down on ourselves like that because WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH, we are wondeful and need to accept outselves. Very difficult problem to overcome though.

      Not at all girl, I am in the midst of doing so 🙂

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